Rise and Shine! by Hannah Miodrag

Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

Welcome to LunaLife!  

You’re in for a treat! We make gorgeous products for gorgeous people. We’re fresh, we’re luxurious and we’re all natural. What’s more, we scientifically tailor our products to the body’s natural rhythms and the rotation of the astral bodies. So whether you’re a Sagittarius born at sundown who suffers from flaky skin or a cusp-of-Aries Pisces prone to night sweats, we’re here for you! That’s the LunaLife guarantee!  

Moonstruck on You!  

Your Amethyst Rated (Level 1) Starter Pack has been lovingly curated exclusively for you, based on the information provided on your order form birth chart. You’ve got a host of goodies from our all-new Moonstruck Collection, including:  

  • LuminousLuna Beauty Balm – this baby will soothe and protect your skin through next month’s awkward conjunction of Mercury and Mars in Capricorn  
  • MoonDust Gentle Exfoliating Shower Mousse – smoothing and moisturizing till you glow from head to toe  
  • Total Ec-Lips Pout Pamper Kit – keeping you puckered, plumped and glossed as you say hello to your new LunaLife!  

As well as all the great products advertised, we’ve also included a 100% natural, bespoke blend scented candle – handcrafted for you Mercury-dominant Geminis. We see you! You’ll also find some further info about the LunaLife brand and philosophy – happy reading! 

LunaLife is here for you – on schedule!   

If you’ve already fallen in love with LunaLife, why not give yourself the gift of a LunaLife subscription? You’ll get a host of cool discounts and premium products that aren’t available to our purchasing customers. What’s more, if you pass on your personalised friends-and-family discount code you’ll receive a gift voucher for every purchase they make! So give them – and yourself – a celestial treat. You deserve it!   

LunaLife is Your Life!   

Welcome to your Emerald Rated (Level 4) Bumper Subscription Pack! We’ve got some top-notch treats for our loyal subscribers, themed around Earth’s sister planet – just for us ladies! Our affordable, tailor-made subscription packs are carefully designed to complement your busy life and natural cycles. So when your skin, your job or the planets are getting you down – give yourself a boost! And if everything seems to be on your side – give yourself something to celebrate!  

Spring forward with Sister Venus!  

We’re here for you every month – whoever you are and whatever life is throwing your way. As the vernal equinox approaches, here are some of the sumptuous goodies we’re gifting you:  

  • Nutri-Luna Dazzling Shine Hair Mask – to calm your follicles and keep you centred as Venus ascends  
  • LuminEssence Silver Venus Contour and Highlighter Gel – so you can sparkle your way into spring! 
  • Sista-Saves Roll-on Rescue Eye Tincture – the perfect pick-me-up for the change of seasons  

For our first-time subscribers, we’ve also included a sample pack of zodiac-specific all-natural organic herbal infusions – for a Venus-glow inside as well as out!  

Sisters for the LunaLife!   

We’re thrilled to admit you to the LunaLife family! You’ve pledged £39.99 per month and in return you’ll get a rolling programme of star-lit luxury! You could even become a LunaLife seller: make major money working from home on a totally flexible schedule, sharing the gift of planetary-aligned products with customers of your own! It’s not just a job – it’s a way of living your life. So get in touch today and let’s reach for the stars together!   

Mars is Rising!   

Welcome to your Sapphire Rated (Level 7) Initiate Seller Bonus Pack. Mars is rising and you’re on the up with us! We’re supplying you with the high-end, naturally obtained, luxury products that will keep your new customers coming back for more. Whatever their needs, whatever their star sign, whatever their mood – it’s your job to bring them into the LunaLife circle. Give them the gift of the LunaLife – and give yourself a truly stellar Initiate sales record! 

Spread the LunaLife Love!  

Let’s kick-start your new career! It’s time to set your sales technique alight, grow your customer base and pitch our products like a pro. Our easy-to-follow training guides will teach you to:   

  • Astrologically chart your customers’ birth info to personalise their product line  
  • Read psychological and skin cues in order to recommend the right LunaLife subscription pack  
  • Identify your most susceptible acquaintances to ensure they – and you! – reap the biggest and best LunaLife rewards  

We’ve included a little more reading material about our ethos, to shine a light on why we do things the way we do. Also, we’re assigning you a dedicated Pearl Rated (Level 11) Upline Sales Mentor and throwing in some special bonus freebies just for you. So light your Mars Fire Energy Oil Vaporiser, slick on a little Jupiter Rejuvenator Gentle Healing Moisture Mask and book yourself a call with your upliner. Let’s do this! 

We’re here for you if you’re here for us!  

Help us grow and we’ll help you grow. The LunaLife programme will lead you to success – and we accept nothing less! You’re committed to purchasing a minimum of five starter packs and one subscription pack per cycle – and the more you sell, the more you make! The sky is no limit for LunaLife ladies! Don’t forget, you too could obtain Pearl Rated Seller status: recruit just one Sapphire Initiate Seller and you can become an upliner in your own right – that’s where the real money is! 

Saturnally Yours!    

Here it is: your Pearl Rated (Level 9) Consulting Recruiter Loyalty Pack. Your hard work is getting results – in both your bank balance and your affiliate count! The LunaLife credo is transforming you and those around you. You’ve learned enough about the LunaLife way to know you’re onto a good thing with us. So let’s continue your journey to the stars – taking as many people with us as possible! Jupiter is rising, Mars is in retrograde and we’re launching Saturnally Yours – the splendidly stylish collection for go-getting gals who run rings around the planets!   

Let the Stars be your Guide  

The planets smile on those who do their bidding. So if you want them to smile on your wallet – obey! To help you on your way, we’ve got:   

  • A tailored planetary alignment chart to optimise your sales event programme  
  • Mandatory weekly appointments with your dedicated Diamond Rated (Level 16) Super-seller Upline Instructor. These are not optional 
  • Access to our exclusive Dedicated Divas and Faithful Followers podcast series – trust us to help them trust you!  

We’re also gifting our newest recruiters a bumper collection of fab Saturnally Yours goodies, all of which you should be pitching to your downline, including: 

  • Seas of Europa Stay-Focused Centring Ear Candle – to clear your mind for your money-making mission 
  • Praise the Planets Ultra Moonglow Skin Tonic – a boost for your complexion and your confidence 
  • Pure Starlight Excoriating Shower Serum – to cleanse and buff your earthly body ready for the tasks ahead 

We think a pampered recruiter is a successful recruiter.  So give yourself over to luxury, and give your downline the opportunities that were given to you. We need to spread the LunaLife brand far and wide – while there’s still time! 

Your people are our people!  

We’re so glad to have you on board – sharing everything that LunaLife has given you. You’ve faithfully sworn to bring us five new subscribers per cycle, and if you want to continue your LunaLife journey – and we know you do! – you’re going to keep that promise. We’re here for you, with all the upscale treats and wily sales tips you need to come with us – all the way! Diamond Rated Super-Seller status is within your grasp. Exceed your recruitment target for three consecutive cycles – and you could ascend faster than you think! 

It Doesn’t End – It Grows!  

We salute you! You’re now officially a Diamond Rated (Level 19) Upline Mega-Recruiter! The affiliates you’ve signed up are spreading our message of affordable luxury far and wide. LunaLifers everywhere are enjoying clearer skin, tidy cuticles and an empowering sense of righteous servitude thanks to your hard work and dedication. So what’s up next for our superstar sellers and recruiters? The celestial bodies are aligning as foretold and, as the Great Cessation approaches, we want to remind the LunaLife family that it’s never too late to deep condition! We’ve got a bevy of beautiful products for you to try out before the end – and there’s still time to recruit a few more devoted souls for the journey. So let’s get ready! 

The Galaxy Calls You!  

Every girl wants to look her best as she steps forward to join the anointed. So this cycle, we’re giving you:  

  • Pure Uranus Soul-Soothing Shower Mist – an organic, ionised formula that will calm your nerves as you prepare for the final ascent 
  • Asteroid Strong Growth’n’Strength Nail Lacquer – tantalise your talons to keep raking in the big bucks in style 
  • Rings of Saturn Organic Eye-Opener Anti-Wrinkle Serum – banish those fine lines and turn your eyes upon your destiny 
  • Limited Edition StarBright SuperSheen Skin Saver Balm – with a rich creamy formula that will have you gliding through the Great Cessation almost painlessly!  

For your faithful downline we’re also premiering our unique Bespoke Birth Hour Ambient Gong: by graphing the astral bodies at the exact hour of their birth, you can discover your customers’ perfect personalised pitch – and we’ll deliver a stunning bronze gong that sounds the note rung by the universe at the moment of their creation! As the Great Cessation approaches, help them chime their cares away! We’ve also scheduled mandatory daily affirmation sessions with your dedicated Astral-Crystal Rated (Level 26) Spirit-Lieutenant. Give yourself to them as they gave themselves to their upline – and give yourself to the LunaLife! 

You are LunaLife – for Life!  

We’re proud of your journey so far. We want you to keep growing and earning – all the way to the end! You’ve committed to delivering you time, your energy, and your nearest and dearest – and you’ve signed away your right to resign. Good for you! Your downline needs you to be a shining beacon of success, and you’ve sworn on pain of ceremonial de-ranking to double your sales progeny each cycle. Thus, we regenerate and multiply – but there isn’t long left, so don’t delay! Need help? We’re here for you – and we’re everywhere! You’ll find us in our high-end lifestyle products and you’ll find us online. We’re on the end of a phone and we’re there at our in-person workshops and sales events. Come with us and we’ll take you where you want to be! That means perfect products, lucrative affiliates, and maybe even Astral-Crystal status of your own. The sky is no limit, the stars are our destiny and the LunaLife family rises together! 

The LunaLife has Chosen You!   

Welcome to your Astral Crystal (Level 28) Spirit-Lieutenant End-Times-Ready Super Pack. The sun is shining, the favoured planets are moving into conjunction and the LunaLife family salutes you. We couldn’t do this without you! You’re on the way to awakening in your true form. The most faithful and tireless among your downline will be coming with you – and we’re almost ready! LunaLife is here for you and the time is now – let’s go!  

It’s Coming – For You!   

The Great Cessation is almost here and we’ve got a truly fabulous haul of final goodies to take you into our new life pampered, glowing and rich! In this pack, you’ll find: 

  • Pluto Cool Ambiently-Scented Plumping Oil – naturally-derived deionised lab run-off to boost circulation and minimise cellulite 
  • Supremely Skintuitive Natural Firming Crystal Granules – a grainy rub a day keeps the skin flakes at bay! 
  • Extra-Galactic Ice White Tooth Bleaching Chew Stick – to keep your pearly-whites sparkling through this galaxy and beyond 
  • A 52.85ml phial of your dedicated upliner’s blood – to show you they’re not afraid 

We’re also recommending that all our Level 25+ Battle Ready Stellar Sellers take some time to roll around in their money – really slather it on your skin – before packing for the arrival of the mothership. You won’t need clothes but you will need LunaLife shampoo, conditioner, scalp soak, detangling spray, curl enhancer, eyebrow tamer, exfoliant, shower scrub, bath foam, depilatory cream, eye serum, moisturiser, all-purpose lotion, highly specific lotion, toner, makeup remover, makeup, cuticle softener, foot scrub, bio-oil, deodorant, anti-wrinkle cream, some snacks and a bar of soap. LunaLife is here for you and we’re here for your downline. So let’s get ascension-ready together!  

Cease!  

It’s time! All those long hours of self-care, selling and veneration are about to pay off – big time! So grab your Super Pack, inhale some Winds of Neptune Scourging Mist and chant your upliner’s name. We’re aiming for the stars! Don’t forget, if you can sign-up any more souls at all before the mothership arrives then you too still might become a Dollar Rated (Level 42) Mothership Commander before the Great Cessation obliterates the drab, dark Earth from the skies. So drag them kicking and screaming as we head for the ends of the charted universe! The LunaLife awaits us all! Hail the Eternal Upliners who reap what we have sowed! Give yourself to us! You go, girl!  

About The Author

Hannah Miodrag is a one-time academic living in Leicester, with two children and far too many books. She has published academic work on comics and graphic novels, but is new to fiction writing.

Bandit Fiction is an entirely not-for-profit organisation ran by passionate volunteers. We do our best to keep costs low, but we rely on the support of our readers and followers to be able to do what we do. The best way to support us is by purchasing one of our back issues. All issues are ‘pay what you want’, and all money goes directly towards paying operational costs.

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