A Letter to Catherine Middleton by Orla Schätzlein

Dear Kate,

Before getting underway with this little letter, we must ask you a rather pressing question. You see, it seems simply vital that we understand how to properly address you. “Dear Kate” – it just sounds ever so churlish to write to a lady as dignified as yourself and to commence in such a common manner. “Kate” does have something of a plebeian ring to it, wouldn’t you agree? Certainly, it doesn’t seem fit for a Duchess. Perhaps, just a slight tweaking, a slight elongation, an extension, an expansion, into something with elegance and grace, something like – Catherine. Now that is the name of a princess. Wouldn’t you agree, Catherine? Gracious, look at that, it’s just slipping out already! Surely, you’d prefer to be called Catherine? Then, Catherine it is. Wonderful! Catherine, our very own English Rose.  

Now, away with the pleasantries! You are not a woman to be trifled with and we are writing to discuss a rather serious matter. Recently, we’ve been thinking, ruminating, chewing over the past like a sodden crumpet. Catherine, we want to offer you our sincerest condolences – belated, of course, but do accept them. The whole situation was just awful, wasn’t it? You were “FURIOUS” at Harry and Meghan’s “disregard for the Queen” and rightfully so![1] We felt your rage rushing through our veins and it left us giddy. Truly giddy. We must stop to ask ourselves, in these terrifying times, what is the world coming to?

It seems the Royal Family is being eternally sacrificed upon the altar of public disrespect. The House of Windsor has never harmed a soul! Those scurrilous allegations against Prince Andrew have not been at all proven.[2] Who could dream of placing this level of stress and strain upon our gentle Queen, so frail and delicate in her ageing years? [3] Throughout her life, she has done nothing but shower this country with love and kindly authority.

And we know without a shadow of a doubt that you, when your time comes, shall do the very same. You are our beacon of hope in this dreadful age, dear Catherine!

You did get off on the wrong foot at first though, didn’t you? You seemed rather greedy and somewhat scheming. Do forgive us for saying so, dearest Catherine. It was simply all too convenient: a young girl, some nobody, decides last minute to attend the very same university as our fine Prince and within four short years she graduates with his heart? A very agreeable turn of events. We felt just a tinge of suspicion, we must admit. You were nothing like Diana. You were different, somehow. An inauthentic social climber digging her dirty claws into the belly of the monarchy.[4] Some felt that way. And really, it is very hard to blame them.

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Ours is a country founded on order and dignity. How might we put this in terms you would be able to comprehend? Picture a pack of wolves, Catherine. They roam some snowy wilderness in search of their next kill. Their only strength – the only reason they might survive to conquer that harsh land – is their unbending hierarchy. These rules enable the hunt, maintain territory and create a sustainable structure. How might they fare in the absence of these rules? Anarchy, chaos – I’m sure you can imagine. Do you understand, Catherine? Everyone has their place. It is the natural way, the biological way.

You usurped the throne like some rapacious dog. Surely, you know this to be true.

And yet, your conniving ways could not possibly compare to those of the filthy Hollywood socialite that is your rival. The woman isn’t even from this bloody country! She simply sauntered in from across the sea and snatched up our good Prince from beneath our very noses. It’s disgraceful. Quite frankly, it’s disgusting. To break apart our most sacred family, our most precious institution, with such reckless abandon – simply thinking about the level of animal savagery this would require, it makes us shudder, it makes us sick. She makes us sick. Of course, she certainly never would have fitted in anyway. Unless, perhaps as a Buckingham Palace housemaid. A house-slave. Goodness, we do apologise, that simply went too far! Perhaps, she could have been a negro maid for the downstairs pantry – oh dear, is that impolite? – or a coloured maid. Or should we say half-caste? A Mischling?[5] A mistake? A crime of miscegenation? It’s very confusing these days, what to say and what not to say. Simply easier when we could call them all –

But, we digress. The key is that she is very, very, extremely greedy. She used our public funds, the money we raised with blood and sweat, to meet the bill of her lavish wedding and the renovations on her mansion.[6] Then, after sucking us dry, she crashed away across the Atlantic and got to work on her next victim – but still the Commonwealth couldn’t quench her thirst.[7] Her greed is incomparable. The disrespectful bitch.

It is the disrespect that pains us most. To laugh in the face of a land that forged the path to modernity! That charged bravely across uncharted waters to establish a glorious New World. We saved those uncivilised masses from their lives of filth and rot. The vile wretches. They should be fucking thankful.[8] And yet, everyone seems to have forgotten this now, forgotten our great legacy. We must never forget! “The man who has no sense of history, is like a man who has no ears or eyes.”[9] This is the land of the great. Great Britain! Rule, Britannia![10]

The sun will never set on the British empire.

Yours truly, The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

[1] Daily Express, https://www.express.co.uk/news/royal/1249813/kate-middleton-prince-william-meghan-markle-megsit-fab-four-royal-family-news

[2] BBC, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtBS8COhhhM

[3] Express, https://www.express.co.uk/news/royal/1205991/royal-news-queen-elizabeth-ii-prince-andrew-BBC-interview-buckingham-palace

[4] Daily Mail, https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1377487/Kate-Middletons-character-shaped-generations-social-climbing-matriarchs.html

[5] Encyclopaedia Britannica, https://www.britannica.com/topic/Mischlinge

   Cambridge Dictionary, https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/german-english/mischling

[6] The Philadelphia Inquirer, https://www.inquirer.com/opinion/meghan-markle-racism-prince-harry-megxit-royal-20200116.html

[7] Toronto Sun, https://torontosun.com/opinion/columnists/blizzard-harry-and-meghan-acting-like-spoiled-brats?utm_term=Autofeed&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR3GBEkWdtfnX_ijGKhmN1DTzOQjh-hxWzDcrlhdO2v3oI6qfmGG8eiETn4#Echobox=1585503958

[8] The Guardian, https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/11/uk-more-nostalgic-for-empire-than-other-ex-colonial-powers?CMP=fb_gu&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR2frLPOkwO2tq-iKUOd1F9MWw0x70eQUcgRKdQCC6QqPSJDa2osGBchCvU#Echobox=1583911376

[9] Adolf Hitler, p. 397, https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=OffUtr8iznYC&q=Bullock+%27Hitler:+A+Study+in+Tyranny%27&dq=Bullock+%27Hitler:+A+Study+in+Tyranny%27&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiW1Kv5nfzpAhW7RhUIHYtcCNgQ6AEIKDAA

[10] James Thomson and Thomas Arne, https://www.classicfm.com/discover-music/rule-britannia-lyrics-composer/

About The Author

Orla, a London-based writer and final year English Literature student, recently returned from an exchange year at the University of Toronto. During her time away, Orla turned to writing as a way of computing both the wonders and horrors of the world. She continues to write on and be fascinated by issues of identity, race and gender.

At the time of publishing, Orla is a member of the Bandit Fiction team. However, Orla’s story was accepted for publication prior to her joining the team.

Bandit Fiction is an entirely not-for-profit organisation ran by passionate volunteers. We do our best to keep costs low, but we rely on the support of our readers and followers to be able to do what we do. The best way to support us is by purchasing one of our back issues. All issues are ‘pay what you want’, and all money goes directly towards paying operational costs.

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